and i thought being a medical student would help.

grandma's dying. slowly but surely. i think i've never seen my brother cry like that. and at first it doesn't really hit you. or at least me. cuz i'm too busy worrying about her radiotherapy appointments, explaining everything to my dad/auntie/uncle. complaining about fetching her to the doctors.

but when u slow down. and see her as your grandma. the grandma who took care of you when you were young. who was so happy to feed you that huge drumstick when you were one month old. to change ur diapers. bring you out to the wet market to look for veggies and fish. and taught you how to choose veggies and fish. and put up with all my nonsense and spoilt me to no end.

we used to sit in the living room and scrape these like. deer horns was it. or some sort of horn lah. and scrape and scrape and scrape till i was tired. hahaha. and i think she would use it to brew some soup or smthing. and when i was young i always got sick. so my grandma one day just demanded that i stay at her place for 2 wks during the holidays. so she could brew black chicken soup for me to drink. sounds like some witches brew and boy did it taste bad. hahahahaa. but i had to drink it anyway. and i still fall sick now anyway. and i think once a week she'd cook a hard boiled egg, put a silver ring in it, wrapped it in a handkerchief and rub it all over my stomach. cuz it would 'take the wind out of my stomach'. haahaha.

and now i would drink her black chicken soup anyday. if i drank it would it mean she would stop being in pain? if i use the hard boiled egg would it take away her pain? i promise to never complain about fetching her. i promise to do anything for her. just pleast take away her pain.

worst of all, she isn't saved. i guess it would take constant prayer. it kinda is the only other thing i can do for her. sigh. after u think about death, ldr isn't that bad huh. nothing is as bad. maybe besides losing God.

sigh. i just came back from her house and i miss her already.