"You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."

"As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni."

"[at Juno's ultrasound]
Leah: Dude that thing looks freaky.
Juno: I am a sacred vessel; all you got in your stomach is Taco Bell. ."

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

"[leaning up against the wall as she's in labor] OWW! OWW! F***ity OW!"

"Vijay: I'm gonna stop wearing underwear. Raise my sperm count."

"Leah: All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'
Juno: Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little b*tches!"