wah. blogging again after a loonnggg time. really have to get this off my chest i guess. hahhaha.

u know the kinda feeling u get in a room. that u feel like u're suffocating. the kinda thing where u know that if u stayed a minute longer u'd just explode and die. yup. that was today.

i was really tired today. and so went into the quiet me. so like. i was really drained from voon's already. and the prac wasn't really adding to my knowledge. but weirdly. i was ok before that. i mean. i was still laughing and joking around during voon's and during the start of prac. but like an hr+ into it..it got really tiring. and so i just kinda like ppl watched. and i guess i just suffocated in that atmosphere.

i didn't copy anything. neither did i engage in any conversation. i just sat in the middle of a circle. with little pockets of ppl discussing things. and weirdly. i didn't feel out of place. i just felt. that i was going to die. not the kind of 'i'm going to die cuz i dunno all this' feeling. but the 'can all of u stop being irritating' feeling.

why is medicine like that. why is every thing a competition. a prof starts talking, and everyone crowds around. a zai prof has a tutorial and everyone crashes. why is our culture like that. why do we absolutely have to copy EVERYTHING. why like that. this culture is killing me man. the kiasu-ism. i mean. yea ok. the prof's gonna talk and conduct the tutorial whether u're there or not. but still. i dunno. it just really irritates me. maybe it's just me. i hate this culture.

hated it so much that i actually walked out of anat hall alone. and walked back to hall alone. and even refused to eat lunch. can't believe i hate that atmosphere so much that i'd rather be walking alone.

and just that day, i regretted smthing i said. our new pbl tutor asked us wat our goal was. and i said.. to be a doctor and still have a life. and i regretted it cuz i forgot abt the ppl in cambodia. but now. i think. i don't regret it as much. i want to be a doctor and still have a life and my HEART.

swallow me up why don't you.