i'm dead. i tell u i really am. it will take a HUGE miracle for me to get thru to the next year. a even HUGER one for me to skip vivas and supps. and i need that miracle to happen. i want it to happen. God. You said You answer prayers even before they've been prayed. well. i'm praying now. more than ever. why does the peace elude me with just 10min of talking to ppl. yest it was cel. today it was kenneth. is trust so easily dissipated? is faith so shaky? i can't believe mine is. what shame. whatever happened to walking on water ya. whatever happened to all that stuff about if God wanted you to pass, no matter wat you do you'll pass. double standard. gosh. how i'd kill myself now.

i need the strength to be weak, to fall. to let God catch me. to let God be in charge.

no one can help me. i have to do this on my own. or do i?