attended a wake today. elena said she hated wakes. i nv understood that. till tonight.

You give and take away.. i never really thought about all that till today. everything. every little thing is a true gift from God. my arms. my working heart. my eyes. my life. my friends. my family. keith. even civilization. and just tonight i thought. what if i woke up and all in my family were dead. if keith were dead. what if i suddenly got a msg now saying that keith was caught in an accident. and i never got to say i love you. or bye. or whatever wailing i had to do. what if i woke up one morning and the whole world was dead. except me. left on an island. would i still say 'blessed be Your name'? or would i be cursing and swearing and blaming God for taking everything away. somehow i think i would be cursing. how much strength and courage does it take to say 'blessed be Your name' when He took away everything except your very life. and suddenly it seems so easy to say 'blessed be Your name' when you do poorly for physio or biochem or anat. really put things in perspective.

and as deborah's mum and his brother sam wee shared stories about their daughter/sister..i thought..what would ppl be saying at my wake. i know it's really cliche. but when you hear what they said..i too want to be part of that impacting life. are ppl going to say things like. i never really knew audrey, she was just really happy. i don't know. to make an impact. to change the way ppl think. i lost my point. gah.

and well. the selfish me says i want to die before keif does so i don't have to experience the pain. but then the selfless me says i don't even want him to experience that pain..so i'll gladly take that burden. but. sigh. we'll see what God comes up with.

and i'm sorry i broke that promise. with all these sad things running thru my head. it's not easy to hold it in. you can tickle me all you want. and you can not tell joc for the rest of your life. i don't care anymore. it was really too much sadness to take.

when the darkness closes in Lord..still i will say..blessed be the name of the Lord..blessed be Your name..