** i apologise for all the sh*ts and d*mns but i'm really quite pissed. and sorry for being extremely pessimistic and sacarstic.

here i am again. complaining about how much i hate econs. why do i always get stressed when i'm doing econs. mayb it's not just econs. but most probably every subject. just that it's especially amplified by econs. damn it. i do my econs essay and feel oh so good about myself cuz for the first time in a long while i wrote out my whole essay instead of either typing it out or just writing in point form. and a few days after that, i'm back to the dumps. how is a one side long essay going to get me 10-15 marks. you've got to be kidding. damn it la. and i dun think it's cuz i dun pay attn during lectures. ok sometimes i do fall asleep. i'm guilty as charged. but damn it! i dun understand shit abt econs. it's probably also becuz i dun give a damn abt econs la. and i'm slugging thru it cuz i need 4 subs. what a lousy pathetic reason.

i'm nv going to get an A/B for econs. and i'll nv make it to medicine. God nv promised that i'll get into medicine. He just promised that i'll have a future and He has plans to prosper me. and i dunno abt this. but i think (does that mean believe?) that God doesn't influence your choices. cuz He's a gentleman. but whatever choice you make, He'll make it for good. which means. i have to study like crap to get into medicine. i dunno if u see the link. but i do. sigh. and i thought the fact that He has promised a future would comfort me. mayb i'm reading it wrongly. mayb i haven't placed my whole life at His feet. mayb i don't trust Him that things would be better if i just left it to Him to decide.

so i wasn't cut out to be a doctor? or a vet? i'm so tempted to say 'oh whatever God!' but. the fact that i thought it means i said it already. and it isn't helping that i'm not going to church this sunday.

i don't remember being this stressed during Olevels. probably cuz i had understanding friends then. not that i don't have understanding friends now. but it's different now. don't you see it. damn it. i have to stop complaining abt such 'friendship' stuff. "yea yea she's always complaining abt how the world and her precious friends abandoned her." damn it. is that my pride speaking. the inner me that so wants to be strong and put on a brave front for everyone else to see.

it's probably why i miss my 4d grp of friends so much. they were there. i hate my class cuz they're smart. mayb i'm just jealous or wat. but like they nv have to study and yet they get so gd grades. grace always got higher than me for mep even though i studied my head off. ok. mayb ppl do study in the background and not show it upfront. which makes me even more stressed. and there's guitar shit. roshni's chair and so she has tons more to do. but roshni takes 3s papers and she's shit smart. damn it.

let's face it la. i'm just plain stupid and oh-so-poor me has to make it up through hard work. oh wait! hardwork and efforts aren't proportional to success. what gives.