ever had the feeling like u felt like saying something but u didn't. and doing something that u didn't do in the end. like totally blowing up in the person's face. just cuz u know it'll hurt the other party. and it wouldn't solve/help anything. and it'll only make u feel even worse.

let's face it. i'm like that. i have mood swings. i hate talking to people when i dun feel like talking to them. and i only talk to them cuz i have the social obligation to them. i feel like flaring up at people but i never do. i want to say so many things. but i don't. hai. this goes way back to when people didn't take me seriously. walk all over me. disregard what matters to me. disregard everything to do with me.

hai. i hate myself manz. why am i feeling sorry for myself. it's not as if i got dealt with the worst hand ever. i live in a house. i'm wearing nice clothes. eating nice food. using the computer. i have parents who love me (at least in theory i know that. as for showing it..let's not go there.) i have a brother who cares for me (here we go again abt theory vs practice..) i should be thankful. i have the greatest gift of all. LIFE. yet. humans are never satisfied are they.

mayb i am learning from Job. complaining earnestly. praying honestly. why God. why is all this happening. my life could be much better. but it also could be much worse. i don't wanna be critical of other people. but i can't help it. i'm trying to be patient. but it's not working. nothing's working Lord.

where are You when i need You...You walked me outta the darkness...to the boundary between the light and dark. i nv walked out of the shadow. the past would still haunt me. i'll nv forget that day. the day i felt totally forsaken. 18july03. sigh.

don't even think abt asking me what happened.