wanted to blog at my other blog. but then. that will only show even more weakness. and more fear.

ppl build walls around themselves. and i guess i really don't want ppl to judge me. to see the insecure unconfident weak fearful me. but that's who i am. then again. is that who i am? it always comes back to this. it's funny really. ha. laughing at myself again.

yea i shouldn't live for others to see. or to prove myself to others. but aren't we all living by other ppl's expectations. well. at least i think or i know that i am. i'm such a ppl pleaser it erks me. not that ppl are always pleased with me or wat. but like. bah. i dun have to stand up for myself. do i?

i guess i've always lived for other ppl's approval. to gain that recognition. to be aware and conscious of what ppl think of you. not too long ago, i thought...and i dunno what i thought anymore. i've always felt the need to prove myself to ppl around me. the first time my mum set the 20hr-weekly target. just to prove to her that i can do it...i studied 28hrs that wk. JUST to prove my point. and i guess to spite her. yea. i felt gd studying so much after that. but. man. just totally wrong reasons.

since young i guess i've been forced to think for myself and sort of take care of myself. which lead to ppl telling me that i'm really mature for my age. complacency? yes i think so. pride. oh all the more so.

but no. we're all 18 going on 19. and forced to grow up. to grow up and make decisions. i wanna run away. run into a shelter. ask someone else to make the decision for me. maybe for once i'm tired of doing stuff on my own. have i always done stuff on my own? i dun think so.

this is really quite a confusing post. even for me. cuz i'm getting a huge headache typing this. but it's just snipets of what's running thru my poor confused mind. maybe i'm typing this to gain sympathy. 'no la..audrey..u're not like that...yadda yadda'. am i doing this to gain that? i don't think so. 90% dun think so.

but this is the time when all the 10% comes tgter to form the 200%. God help. blogging was supposed to clear my thoughts. but they're not clearing. it's getting messier. maybe because i'm afraid that the ppl reading my blog will see me for who i really am. that they'll see the weak side of me. and to show weakness would be being vulnerable. to feel unsafe.

and i guess to a certain extent. i do feel unsafe. oh help.

and i'm so sorry for pushing u aside dear. i really didn't mean to. i can't believe how i keep hurting u again and again and again. i'm so sorry. sigh.